The Difference Between Repentance and Self-Hate

If self-hate could change a person, I would have reached perfection by now—at least, that’s what my therapist told me.

I laughed as she said the words, but I still struggled to believe what she was telling me. Was self-hate really futile? In my mind, if I beat myself up hard enough for my sins and the ways I had fallen short, it would keep me from making that same mistake again. If I berated myself well-enough, I wouldn’t even dare look at the temptation. Not only that, but I also believed that self-hate showed God the depth of my repentance. If I lashed out against myself and saw myself as no better than the worst vermin that crawls across the ground, perhaps he’d accept my apologies in seeing how earnest they truly were.

Do you see the legalism growing in those thoughts? I didn’t notice the legalism taking root, until I sat down to truly reflect on my practices of self-hate. If you’re like me (and self-hate is the language of your inner life), perhaps you have some hidden legalism within your own heart too. As I explain how God helped me untangle the knot of repentance and self-hate, maybe it will help you too.

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