A Simple Step in Building Relationships

I’ve never liked the cold winter seasons. As an elementary school-aged girl, I hid under benches during recess or stood by the front doors chanting for the bell to ring. In high school, I spent every recess in the cafeteria and refused to wait out at the bus stop (instead, I waited in the doorway and ran down the icy driveway). In college, I would ask students I barely knew to give me a ride to class so I wouldn’t have to walk through the snowbanks. As an adult, I hid in the house and only went outside long enough to go from the steps to the car.

I told people that if I never saw snow again, I wouldn’t feel the slightest bit bad.

Now, I’m a mom to three boys, one of which loves the snow. Their love and my greatest enemy must come face to face when the temperatures drop and the snow falls from the sky.

I’m learning that part of loving others is showing interest in the things they love. In the secular book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman, principle three is about turning toward each other instead of away. In his extensive studies and marriage counseling experience, Gottman has come to see that marriages that work are built on couples who respond to each other’s “bids” for attention, affection, humor, or support. These bids can be as simple as asking about what grocery items are needed, telling a joke, or showing your spouse a bird outside. Gottman encourages couples to turn towards one another by accepting these bids and responding with our attention and love. This, he says, is where true intimacy is built. 

I believe this extends far beyond marriage and into most relationships we have—our children, our friends, co-workers, and fellow churchgoers are likewise making bids towards us for our attention and support. Paul encouraged the Philippians to follow the example of Christ and to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3–4 ESV). 

Of course, we can’t give our full attention to everyone, but I’m learning that if I want the relationships I’m in to flourish, I do need to respond to these bids, especially those of my children. As an adult, our children’s interests can feel tedious or boring; my twin toddlers love to build towers just for the sake of knocking them down (half the time, I barely have enough time to place five blocks on top of each other). And my oldest, as I said, adores the snow. 

This year, I’ve sought to change my attitude. At every single flake of snow that tumbles from the sky, I run to the window and call out to my four-year-old. We watch and, together, we hope for it to stick to the ground and pile up. Don’t get me wrong—I still hate the cold. To help, I put on several, often mis-matched, layers of clothes to make it more bearable. Rather than standing in the corner shivering and muttering complaints, I try to engage in ways to play. Through this drawing near to my son, I see God is doing a work in my heart: He’s teaching me to appreciate the beauty, the wonder, and the fun of snow again through my little ones. Together, we’re making memories that I hope will stay with him. 

We hear passages like the one from Philippians 2, and our vision can get clouded with wondering about big , extravagant sacrifices we can make for our family. Which, of course, those definitely matter, but we can’t neglect the little sacrifices too because, like Dr. Gottman points out, intimacy is often founded in those mundane, mini-moments with our spouse (or any relationship). It’s listening intently and asking questions when my husband tells me about the different types of wood he might use for his next project (and not going on my phone or outlining an article in my head). It’s stopping what I’m doing to examine the car my son has built out of Lego and pointing out what I like about it. Sacrifice isn’t always elaborate, but what it builds will always be precious and invaluable. 

What are some ways that you can stop right now and be present and attentive to those you love? How can you respond to the simple bids they are prompting you with?

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