When You Have Made Your Husband Into An Idol

In Junior High, one of my friends made the bold statement that she never wanted to get married. Being one of the girls who always dreamed of Prince Charming, I scrunched my nose and asked, “Why?” She answered, “Statistically, women outlive their husbands. I don’t want to face that.” Sensing the confused and concerned stares on our faces, she quickly added, “Also, I just want to travel by myself wherever I want when I grow up.” Laughter bubbled up, followed by a conversaiton about future dream vacations.

That conversation stuck with me, even as I married my husband. Anxiety pricks the back of my neck and rumbles in my stomach at the thought of a day without my husband.

While the death of a loved one is difficult for even the most mature Christ-follower and grief such a response should never be condemned as idolatry, this reaction provoked me to examine myself and see if I had made an idol out of my husband. Did I seek relief and fulfillment from God or my husband? Where did I run in times of need? What ultimately comforted my soul in difficult times—the return of my husband after work or my Perfect Father above? If all I had left was Christ, would he be enough?

A Wife Who Idolized Her Husband

We make our husbands an idol when we expect them to take on the attributes only God possesses. I used to put unrealistic expectations on my husband to fix my anxiety and depression. When he failed to do so, I became angry or disappointed in him because he couldn’t bring me the relief I so desired. I wanted to look to him in those desperate times of pain and fear and find complete comfort and healing for my problems.

Looking to people like our husbands for biblical guidance is wise, but if we only look to our husbands to bring us complete healing or to rescue us from life’s challenges, we will be sorely disappointed. God told the Israelites: “Thus says the Lord, cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant” (Jer. 17:5–6 NASB).

When I trust in my husband alone, I felt like that bush in the desert—drained and without hope. For a time, he provided some of the comfort I sought, but eventually his flesh came through, and he disappointed me. Not because he is a terrible husband, but simply because he is human. Man is bound to disappoint us when we put all our hope in him, yet the Lord never disappoints. “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit” (Jer. 17:7–8).

When we place our trust in God alone to be our rock in difficult times, there we find real hope and infinite love. Even when the suffering presses on, we can look to our Saviour for perfect peace. The words my husband provided in no way compared to the hope Scripture brought to my soul. The Holy Spirit took the Word and gave hope to my depressed spirit in a way my husband was incapable of doing. “But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me” (Ps. 3:3–4).

Signs that Your Husband Has Become an Idol

How can we know when make our husband into an idol? A few key signs:

An impossible standard of perfection

Whenever my husband sins or fails me and I show no grace in my reaction to him. Instead of coming alongside to show him his sin and help him through it, only anger fills me. While anger is righteous response to sin, we should desire to turn our husbands back to Christ.

An impossible expectation for him to fill my needs

I expect he meet all my needs. In these moments, I grow angry when he chooses to read, work on the house, or hang out with friends rather than spend time with me.

An impossible desire to have him fix me

I set up the impossible expectation that my husband would fix my depression. Instead of turning to God for help and comfort, I sought my husband, who didn’t have that ability.

True Love Versus Idolizing Our Husbands

By idolizing our husbands, we show them a false kind of love. When we idolize a person, our love only goes one way: to ourselves. We use idols to fill our needs and desires. True love operates differently: true love selflessly seeks the best for the other (1 Cor. 13:5; Phil. 2:4). When we love someone, we patiently wait for our turn to receive, all the while serving the other person. Though we never do this perfectly, by the grace of God we should strive to grow in this continually.

With true love mourning still comes. Grieving death doesn’t mean we are idolizing someone. When we truly love someone, grief will come. The difference between the mourning woman who idolizes her husband and the women who worships God is that the God-worshipping wife finds her joy and comfort in Christ—though grieved, she finds hope again in Christ.

Let’s return to the question I raised in the beginning: If all you had was Christ, would that be enough? If you lost your husband today, would you know how to run to God in your times of need?

Originally posted on Servants of Grace.

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